Jose from Cuba

Subbing gets me all worked up. Sometimes it is the blatant disregard for authority that illicits this response. Sometimes it's the excitement of teaching. Sometimes it's the thrill of a new subject, or the humor of the kids.

Today, I'm all worked up again, but this time it is the innocent, pure goodness of a little boy that's done it to me.

First of all, after class had started, Jose looked at me (truly with big brown eyes) and asked, "Have you ever met a Cuban person before?" When I replied that I hadn't, he smiled and said, "You just did!"

After about 10 minutes of working on an assignment, he walked up to my desk with a paper full of errors. We sat together and worked through each question. One talked about "ethnic unrest" and he looked very confused. I said, "You know, Jose, how sometimes Mexican people don't get along with white people, or white people don't like blacks, that kind of thing." His face grew horrified and he said, "So soon?" and then corrected himself to say, "Still, I mean? People are still like that?" When I said that unfortunately, there are still people in the world who are prejudiced and racist, he shook his head sadly and continued his work.

He truly believed that this kind of division in the world had disappeared. If we can make all our children believe that, and truly live it, I guess there's still hope. Little Jose from Cuba, thank you. Today you made me feel like our world isn't a total lost cause.

PS OBAMA/BIDEN '08!!

Honesty.

Just a little blurb about honesty in relationships- this is something I learned the hard way.
Honesty doesn't just mean being honest about the crap you do wrong in a relationship. If you're used to lying and you decide to be truthful all of a sudden, that's great. Really. However, that's not enough. It's not enough to just be honest about the things you have done wrong, or the things you don't like.
I think that's the main point. Of course it takes courage to tell someone when something that they do doesn't sit well with you. It takes courage to have a voice in a relationship and be strong enough to express that.

Honesty is more than that. When people say you have to be honest in a relationship, it means being honest about everything. When you're in need, feeling generous, feeling amorous, feeling cranky, hungry, sad, happy, pretty, ugly, fat, creative- you have to fill the other person in. Don't misunderstand me. I do not mean to say that partners should inundate each other with senseless, menial details about their lives. Some things are better left unsaid- if they are without consequence. (That whole concept is a blog in and of itself, and one I am not going to write tonight) If you feel strongly about something, and the other person can help, it's only fair to include them in on the secret.

It's not always easy and sometimes I want to be the "cool" girlfriend, the one who doesn't care about anything, doesn't need to express herself for fear of being the irrational, overemotional crazy person. But really, if I don't say what's on my mind, all those moments of silence rack up inside my heart and eventually I become that person anyway. Instead, chipping away little moments as they come- being honest without being confrontational- ease the burden.

Excuses and Grey Skies

Even though today is one of the rare blue-skied October mornings here in the Pacific Northwest, my post today is about grey skies and clouds. I remember when I first lived here, the colorless skies were a welcome addition to my tortured artist outlook. I can also recall before I left California, letting my skin soak up extra sunshine because I was so afraid that I would never see it again.

The last week has brought rain. Wind, clouds, a serious chill in the air. Eric and I have both brought out our winter clothes, donning jackets and hats, scarves and tights (moreso me on the tights- Eric only wears them inside, on Sundays). Walking down to my car in the subbasement of our building even requires an extra layer. I expected that I would start feeling depressed. I expected that I'd long for the sun, want to claw out my eyes at the sight of grey. That I'd somehow not be able to handle things. I guess I sort of wanted to chicken out- and the weather was an easy excuse.

No excuses, though. Not anymore. No more, "I don't have a man." No more, "Well, I live in Fresno. I can't possibly flourish." No more, "I don't know what to do with my life." There are no more excuses! I am where I want to be, emotionally, geographically, soulfully. I'm here. And, ain't no grey skies gonna mess with that.

The Routine

When we first came up here, I freaked out pretty regularly about my lack of things to do. It wasn't that I didn't have boxes to unpack, rooms to decorate, family to visit and drawers to organize. I did have those things. It wasn't that I was emotionally void- I had plenty of things to think about and concern my brain with. Even when I had schools to visit and applications to fill out, there was something missing from my life that has only recently emerged.

My monthly calendar.

For the entire month of July my book was empty, minus the trip to Fresno we took for my birthday. Literally- empty.



I've been subbing a ton recently, which is both satisfying emotionally and financially. I'm still working my restaurant job, too, which is fine (side note- every restaurant is made up of the same cast of characters. the attractive, jerky boy. the sweet talking religious nut. the ditzy, booby blonde. the anal older server. every place has the same people working there. weird!) but doesn't bring me much money. With these two jobs, my schedule book is gloriously full.



I'm back to my old self- checking my schedule several times a day. Erasing and re-writing events. Counting and recounting my sub days and calculating my money. Highlighting certain kinds of events and underlining others.

I love my schedule. I love my calendar. I love having a purpose.